I know I’ve been really bad with updating the blog…but I’ve been feeling kind of a bit lot under the weather lately..
Uni started on the 12.September..I’m attending 7 lectures this semester…In Portugal, at least in my University, it works like this: you have a lecture two times a week, for two hours, which makes an amount of four hours per lecture… This means I’m getting to Uni at 7h30am to attend classes at 8am and leaving at 4pm. In my longest days, Mondays and Wednesdays, I have classes from 8am to 4pm without any interruptions! I’m lucky to get Friday off..but still, it doesn’t allow me to have a job, which means I have no money at all.. I have to get up at 6am to be at school at 8am (the bus takes a while…I live about 50km from my university’s city).
In addition to that I’ve managed to get a flu on the first week of classes…that, of course, means I’m the one in the front row sounding like an Elephant when I clean my nose…which is like…every two minutes…charming, eh?
The thing is..I’ve been in college for some time now…quite some time actually..I’ve changed major (and university) once and since I’ve been in this major I haven’t really evolved that much…I failed many some classes..and I feel like I’m not doing what I should…My parents keep telling me I’m wasting their money and even though I know they just want to help, I feel like they’re pressuring me and making me feel bad…like they don’t understand… I know I had a depression during my first year…and then my second year I just did some classes…and the next year I decided to “escape” and did Erasmus at my father’s homeland Austria…where I didn’t manage to do much lectures…and last year..well..last year went better..but still.. I feel like I have to graduate soon…but I still have many classes left to do…hence the taking 7 this semester..
I see friends of mine, some younger than me, who know exactly what they want to do and it just frustrates me… I know what I like…but I like so many things, I just don’t know what to pursue.. I would love to work for a fashion/advice magazine, but I feel they only employ beautiful top models to write those magazines…I know this isn’t realistic and that “normal” people actually work there…but that’s how I feel..
In addition to all of this I have no idea where me and my bf stand…I feel sad because I feel something is different…like he’s not the same…but I don’t want to make any conclusions.. Still, it’s hard and it hurts and he seems to not even notice. I just miss the guy I fell for, the one who would be there for me and make me feel good about myself (still makes me feel good)..the one who would talk to me and tell me stuff..now I just feel like he’s not there anymore…like I’m not needed anymore.. It just makes me feel really sad and down..I’ve been crying myself to sleep for days now =(
And, of course..I miss my best friends more than words can describe..they moved on to L.A. (lucky bastards!!) I’m happy for them…especially Di, who’s working as a stylist over there and has been doing really good! I was just used to having her around and now she and Sam (or Simon for that matter) aren’t here and I just missed them..
Ok..I’m sorry for all the rambling..just needed to get this off of my chest somehow.. If you read this until the end…thank you!
Thank you all for reading..and thank you for your lovely comments..I’m sorry I haven’t gotten around to answer them yet..But I read every single one of them!
I hope you all are doing better than me..