Hey hey everyone..
How are you all? I hope everyone is doing great! =)
This picture perfectly shows how my day went today! So stressful…I had to drive up to Lisbon to my University to understand why I could not enroll myself online.. When I got there it was already quite full (almost everyone had problems enrolling..) but I “only” had to wait for almost three hours.
I have to say it was nerve racking, to say the least! I wasn’t allowed to enroll because I don’t have enough credits done for the amount of time I’ve been at that University. What kind of pisses me off (excuse my french) is that there are many other students that have been there for longer or the same amount of time than me, and didn’t have this problem.
I do know that I kind of lost my first three years at that University. When I first enrolled in 2007 (after spending a year at another major) my best friend had just died and I just wasn’t in a mental or emotional condition to start a university degree! I didn’t want to show how bad I really was and then I had the bright idea to move in with my boyfriend at the time (even though everyone told me I shouldn’t do it!) and basically spent my first year the whole year in bed..I wouldn’t get up..I wouldn’t go to class..I wasn’t ok. But I didn’t want to ask for help either. I was ashamed and felt like a failure because I literally had no strength to get up and do something. I was depressed, but didn’t want to admit it to myself.
My health started to deteriorate and by August of 2008 I was admitted to the Hospital with a major Pneumonia! I did not know what I had, nor did the doctors tell me,they just said it was an asthma attack…I’ve had asthma since I was 2 and I knew that wasn’t it, but I was too young and didn’t know how to really impose myself. So by the time I got out of the hospital I was 60kg heavier due to medication and emotionally even worse than before, right in time for my second year of college!
In my second year I think I managed to pass like 5 classes in two semesters…it might sound good, but when I take into account one of them was English and the other German, it really wasn’t that good! I don’t need to basically study anything for those two classes, because I’m a native in both languages, so I have to do the assignments but I don’t have to actually study grammar and such. I was still recovering from my pneumonia and there were times where I would just get worse and not be able to leave the house for one or two weeks..
My third year I decided to do Erasmus in Vienna. It is my Dad’s hometown and I stayed at my aunt Renate’s house. Looking back, I know I was avoiding things, running away. I was feeling stuck in a relationship where I wasn’t happy, but stayed because I thought that was what was expected of me. I wasn’t ok at college. I needed to go away. So I did. I ended up not doing much classes in Vienna, because I had to have emergency surgery right on finals week and didn’t have any time to study. Also, the day I got there my aunt tells she she has lung cancer and, as it goes without saying, it was very hard on me. I would visit her when she was at the hospital, I would sit and talk to her at home, I would be there for her. Even though I hadn’t known her physically until I was 9 and up until then I had only seen her three times in my life, I always felt a bigger connection to her than to any of my family here in Portugal. It was hard. My time in Vienna was very hard. My aunt sick, my father’s best friend got sick all of a sudden as well and even though I had my cousins there as well, those two women were my rocks and suddenly facing their illnesses scared me a lot!
Even though I just did one class while in Vienna, I can certainly say I would do it all again, even if I wouldn’t pass any class. For the simple reason that I was able to get to know my aunt Renate, the person whom my Dad always talked about and knowing I was part of the last year of her life, makes me feel like it all was worth it! And that year taught me so much more than any degree could teach me! It taught me the value of family, of loving your family, which is something I do not feel here. But most of all, I had the chance to know the woman that changed my life..she taught me so much… (sorry for getting emotional =X)
Anyways…tears aside, when I came back to Portugal I was decided to finish my degree! I knew I still had a long way to go, so I set the goal of graduating by the age of 25 (next June). This past year was the year I studied the most. I made my works, I studied, I went to class. I know I came a long way…but being told I cannot enroll because I’m missing 8 credits, really…well…it pisses me off, it frustrates me, it makes me feel sad and down and like a failure.. But I’m not giving up!! I wrote a letter asking for them to let me resume my studies, saying I really want to finish this year and now all I can do is wait…
It frustrated me because I know of people who don’t go to class because they don’t want to, not because they can’t and I did want to, but stuff got in the way and I couldn’t..in a way I feel that it is unfair…because I really do work hard for my classes and do everything I can! Sometimes you fail, like I did in linguistics, not because you didn’t work hard, but because you just don’t understand the bloody subject!!
I was quite the wreck this morning and up until early afternoon. No one knew what was going on, no one knew what I had to do..basically, my university was as if it had been hit by a tornado and no one knew where anything was! Which is usually how it is most of the days, but this time worse!
My Mr. was an angel…held me while I cried…got me Kinder Chocolate (my favorite!) and took me to see the ducks. He even managed to make me smile! He gave me hope and made me feel like I could do it!!!
I’m sorry for the long and rambly post, but sometimes we just need to unwind!
Have you had any problems like this in your college? Let me know in the comments below and don’t forget to go check out my Facebook Page, my Twitter and my Instagram! I always answer your sweet comments!
Have a great day!