Keep calm and go to therapy…

Hey hey everyone!
 
Today I decided to write about something that has been happening in my life for quite some time now…I tried to ignore it, to pretend everything was ok and to deny it until I couldn’t do it anymore.
 
I’m talking about anxiety.
 
I kept it a secret even from my best friends for as long as I can remember. Truth is, I’ve been living and dealing with some of the “symptoms” that the doctor says I have, for as long as I can remember. I remember having random panic attacks in the middle of the night when I was about 12 years old…the dizziness I constantly feel that sometimes even makes me faint…they’ve been a part of my life for many, many years….most of them for over 15 years…
 
I was rushed to the hospital two weeks ago with what we thought was a case of low blood sugar (which I also have a lot and as I was to find out can also be a symptom of anxiety). I started feeling weird in the middle of a class and I thought I was having just a normal fainting spell…my best friend Clara was amazing and sat with me while I missed my last class (at that point I was already panicky). I was at a stage that I would get better and then it would happen again (it didn’t help that I saw that an old friend of mine had passed by me and looked the other way..I’m stupid like that xD).
 
 By the time I got home I had a massive headache, felt nauseous, my blood sugar was at 47 (which apparently is low) and I was seeing spots in my eyes…when my left hand started feeling numb my Dad decided it was time to get me checked out. As soon as I got to the emergency room they ran tests on me and when my hand went numb again and I started saying I was going to die because I had read that numbness in your hand can be a sign of a stroke, the doctor sat next to me and said “Rosie, you’re just having a nervous breakdown” to which I immediately denied and she just answered “Denial is one of the symptoms”. (I didn’t tell her I wanted to hit her with her notepad or else she would say aggressive behavior is another symptom). She gave me something, sent me home and I was taking Xanax for 10 days.
I don’t know why this happens. I don’t know what triggers it..I know I’ve been through a lot this past year (also due some nasty people who got into my life through people I love and tried to put me down) but I always managed..I always handled it..I just know that I feel like I’m going crazy..the simplest question will get me to tears and the worst part…keeping it from everyone. As of now only my closest and best friends know (as well as my Mr) and even they don’t really know the extent of it…I had a meltdown yesterday after I had been on the phone with my Mr and had yelled at him for no reason only to immediately feel bad when he was so understanding he didn’t even get mad at me…my best friend Clara sat next to me and let me vent out and cry and talk like a crazy person…and hugged me. No judgement…no pity in her eyes..she was just there..and that’s what I needed..
 
Truth is..I haven’t talked to many people about it…and those I did only know what I said, which is that I feel overwhelmed…but I feel so much more than that..I feel so much and so little at the same time..and I feel alone…mostly I just feel alone..because no one can understand what I feel..if not even I understand! I get frustrated at myself because I feel I am not functioning like I should..like something is wrong with me..like the only way I can actually cope is when I’m on Xanax and now that I’m not taking it anymore, I just can’t deal with my emotions…
 
I can’t talk to my parents..and it’s weird for those who know me, because my Mum’s a clinical psychologist. But truth is, I tried talking to her when I first started feeling like this. In 2008. Five years ago. At first it seemed like she was trying to understand..like she was sympathetic…but then some time later in a particular situation she told me to “stop with your made-up depressions!”. So I stopped talking to her. I just…tried to hide it…I cried at night or when no one was looking…I ate chocolate and gummy bears (comfort food anyone?) only to starve myself for two weeks after that..and I cut myself…yes..I cut myself because I wanted to feel…feel something other than what I was feeling..
 
But right now..I can’t do this alone anymore…I’m a wreck..I can’t focus on anything..I start crying over the smallest thing…I’m down one second and hyper another..and I realized I need help. I also realized I do not trust my parents with this..So I decided to see a psychologist…and I’m scared shitless…
 
I don’t know how it will go..I know I don’t want to be on medication..I just want this to stop..the sadness..I want to be myself again..feel like myself..only I don’t know who that is anymore..I’m scared my friends will leave me if they find out how messed up I am..how screwed I am..I’m scared to get an eating disorder again..and I’m so freaking tired of lying…
 
I feel like I’m constantly lying…every time someone asks me how I am and I say “I’m good” or “I’m ok” or “It’s nothing, I’m just tired” it’s a lie..I just want people to stop asking me how I am because I don’t know how I am!!! I don’t know what to say…except “fine”…
 
I hope this doctor helps me and teaches me how to cope with myself…a friend of mine visits this doctor as well and is very happy with her..so I hope she’ll be able to help me too…it’s so weird..being the one who needs help when I’m always the one giving it to others…
 
Sorry for the huge rant…I needed to get this all out..and if you read it all..Thank you!
 
Have a great Friday!
 
 
*Rosie*

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4 Comments

  1. Friday March 8th, 2013 / 10:37 PM

    Rosie, não sabia que te sentias assim! 🙁
    Espero que essa visita ao terapeuta corra bem e já sabes, se precisares de desabafar ou seja o que for, todos nós estamos aqui contigo!!

    Beijinho <3
    Marília

  2. Clara
    Saturday March 9th, 2013 / 11:43 PM

    E estarei sempre aqui 🙂 Já sabes que podes falar comigo sobre o que quer que seja.

    Beijinho**<3
    Clara

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