As you all know, I’ve had quite the long journey to get to the point where I love myself and don’t care what others think. But even if you all think I am always on the top of my game and know I’m worth it, sometimes I also slip up. So let me tell you the story about when a boy made me doubt myself and my own worth.
Soon after I got to Vienna, when I was already on a (so I thought) steady job and had my own place (for the time being) and all of that, I met someone. I am not going to bore you with the details of how or when we met. We hit it off right away, we get along really good and we have a ton of fun when we’re together! He’s funny and sweet and smart and good looking. I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, I know better than to desperately go looking. It will happen whenever it has to happen. He on the other hand, was looking for someone, even though he might not admit it. So he was going out with someone else as well (nothing wrong with that, we were just friends, we were never “together” or anything!).
It is no secret to anyone that we have feelings for one another. We just give off that vibe. “So, why didn’t you get together with him Rosie?” you ask. Well…because he let society get in his head.
He told me, to my face, that I am not his “type”. I get it, people have types and all that…thing is, he let that control him and his emotions. My “type” are tall, dark and handsome guys with a bit of meat on their bones. This guy has blue eyes (something I never felt attracted to) and looks nothing like the type of man I usually gravitate to. But that was fine for me, because that connection we have and the intellectual and emotional part is so much more (plus he does look good, it’s not like he’s some kind of ugly-toothless-way-to-smelly-guy!). But he went a step further to say the other girl is his type. Yeah ok, fine…that’s ok…I have friends who totally are my type but that don’t mean I’ll go have something with them because to me looks ain’t everything! Thing is, he let that get to his head. He told me to my face that he has feelings for me. Deep feelings. The kind that make you feel all bubbly and fuzzy inside and shit. He told me he has nothing in common with that girl. That she doesn’t make him happy, doesn’t know him, doesn’t make him feel all bubbly and fuzzy and shit. That it’s purely physical. But since she’s his type, he decided to be with her. And is trying to convince himself that he can end up developing the same kind of feelings for her that he has for me. Bottom line, he cares more about what people think about the person he’s with, that to actually be with someone he truly has feelings for.
I let his superficial and shallow way of seeing things get to me. I started thinking I was the problem. That I wasn’t good enough. That there was something wrong with me. And I fell into a deep well of self loath and doubts and feeling horrible and ugly and fat. As if I was the problem in this situation. I wasn’t. I am not the problem. I was never the problem! As conceited as this might sound, I am and was always perfect. He decided to choose the superficial option, but that is not my problem! He is the one that will have to deal with his decision, because it affects him and his life, not me, not mine.
Why am I telling you all this? So that you know that I’m not perfect. I too let people get into my head. I spent a long time trying to figure him out, trying to see what I did wrong, analyzing what he meant, if his feelings were real, if he had been lying, if…if…if…why..why…why. Until one day I woke up and I realized, it’s not ME. I am better than this. Why was I letting someone else’s opinion get me so down? Don’t get me wrong, if I had no feeling whatsoever for him, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it!!! I might have had my pride a bit stung, but I wouldn’t get my feelings hurt. But I couldn’t let this go on like this…it was ruining my self-esteem and my quality of life. And just plain honestly, I have way better things to worry about in my life!
And yes, in case you’re wondering, I still talk to him. No, we will never be together as a couple and to be quite honest, I’m not so sure we’ll be friend either, but time will tell. In the end of the day, when I lay awake in bed, I have my conscience clean. I know I didn’t do the wrong thing, I know I didn’t settle with someone just for their looks, I know I’m not sleeping with someone while thinking of someone else. And I know I value myself and, believe it or not, this whole situation made me appreciate myself even more! It made me remember who I am and that I came to far to let it all go down just because of someone’s superficial opinions. My body, my life, my opinions are the ones that matter the most!
As you see, I too have highs and lows. I also get down, get doubts. It’s OK.
As long as you get back up and get your shit together again!