Hello lovely readers…
Get ready for some rambling! Think you can handle it? Click below!
So..it’s been more than a week (by some hours lol). How am I doing? Better than I expected! I feel quite good actually!
What I mean is…I’m sad it ended. I love him and would be happier if we were still together. But I’m Ok. I don’t start crying every time I think about him…nor do I feel like I’m not capable of happiness without him by my side. I’ve realized the most important thing is me! And it is…if I don’t take care of myself, who else will? I have had wonderful friends (shout-out to B who has been great listening to me and holding me while I cried!!!) who have helped me get over this and who reminded me of who I really am!
Do I miss him? Of course!!! I miss talking to him..I miss holding his hand and falling asleep with him holding me and I miss laughing with him. I miss him especially when I see something or hear something funny and my instinct is to text him about it so we can both laugh! But that is not possible, since he decided he didn’t want me in his life in any kind of way.. At first it threw me off…I thought he wanted to stay friends as well..but now I realize it is his right and his decision not to have me in his life. I was really mad (and hurt) at him. I thought that meant he had never had feeling for me and that it was never real. But then I realized, maybe he is hurting just as much as I am? And I realize sometimes it is better to have a clean brake..as hard as it might be..
Am I sad? Sometimes…sometimes I get sad…I start thinking about all the good stuff we went through that we don’t have anymore..but then I remember all the good things I still have! And then I start smiling again! I still have his picture up on my wall..and I look at it everyday. It’s a picture taken at the wedding of his cousin and he has my favorite smile on his face =)
I hope we could be friends some day, but I realize that might not be possible. And it’s Ok. I would love to have him in his life..but sometimes people get out of your life, but that doesn’t mean they leave your heart!
I don’t know what the future holds. A friend of mine told me on Thursday not to be sad because she and her boyfriend once were separated for 5months and then got back together (and have been now for three years) and that might just happen to me. But I don’t want to keep holding on…waiting for us to get back together.. I want to think about the present, not the future, not the past. I don’t want to be living my present by waiting for us to get back together. Because I realized, a boyfriend/girlfriend should not be your life, but a complement of it. He/she should make you happy, but not be the only reason for your happiness!!! You should be able to be happy on your own before you get together with someone.
And I’m happy now. I could be happier..bur I’m happy! And I hope he will find someone who loves him as much as I did. And yes, if he would forgive all my craziness and want to give it another try, I would say yes without thinking twice! But I also know he won’t.
But hey, eventually I’ll find someone who DOES want me. Who loves me. Who makes me laugh as much as he did. And we will have as much fun as me and him did. And if that person happens to be him, I’ll take it.
But for now…I’m enjoying life on my own! And I’m living just for myself!