………………

I know I haven’t posted in a while..

I had a horrible week..and I just couldn’t write…not sure enough if I can yet..not sure if I want to…

My cousin died last week..my last final was horrible..my aunt would turn 70 today.. Not the best days so far..

I hate and I love January…I hate it because it reminds me of my aunt..I love it because it’s my Dad’s birthday (tomorrow)…and I hate it because I grew up with this whole tradition kind of thing where he would call her on her birthday and she would call the next day…and for a day they would be the same age…and I loved it..and now I hate it…because it’s just…over..
I wanted to be strong this week..and I made it through the funeral day…the whole day..I just..took care of others..that’s what I do..I take care of others..I make sure everyone is ok..I listen to others and I help them…and I love it!! But sometimes…sometimes..I just wonder..who’s there to help me? I was all alone this week…and I needed to feel like I had someone..anyone there… Someone to support me..not fight with me..and make me feel even worse..

I feel like I can’t do anything right..like I’m this big fat failure..and that I’m drowning…as if I was trying to swim and reach the stupid water lily in the middle of the lake and the more I try..the further away I am… Like I’m in a tank full of air and I can’t breathe..and I find myself hurting myself..because somehow..I feel it makes all the other pain go away…

Right now..I don’t know what to do..I only fuck everything up..I feel like everything is falling apart..and there’s not enough glue to glue all the pieces together…can I even glue them back together again? Can I glue myself back together after breaking so many times?

Why is it that nothing I do is ever enough? Why is it that I’m always the one who acts badly? I talk bad…I say things in a bad away..I’m the one always attacking…I never do anything right..I don’t even know why I try sometimes…why? Tell me…why? To be alone? Because I was alone all this week…when I needed people the most..and those who knew what was going on didn’t care…and those who didn’t…well, they didn’t know!  

I try to help everyone…because I like to..because it makes me feel better about myself, knowing I was able to make someone feel good or better about themselves…being a good friend makes me happy…but why is it that I’m always the last in the list?

I miss feeling like I matter…really matter…I miss feeling like I’m important..like I’m also..a person..like my feelings do matter and aren’t wrong..

I hate being like this..I hate feeling like I suck..like nothing I do is right, even though I’ve never tried so hard in my life…never took something as serious as I’m taking this…never was someone more important to me as they are..and yet..I’m still not good enough..they still fight me every chance they get..why can’t they see I’m not the enemy? I’m only trying to help…but somehow..I fuck everything up..always..never enough..I’m never enough..nothing I do is good enough..I can’t even say how I feel of what I think without them starting a fight..I wish they knew how much it hurts…I wish people would want to see what I feel…how it looks inside my heart and mind…

I fuck everything up…everything..I don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing here…maybe I should go and jump off of a bridge too..or maybe I should just leave and maybe no one would notice…
It doesn’t really matter..I don’t do anything right anyways..

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3 Comments

  1. Tuesday January 29th, 2013 / 10:55 PM

    I just send you an email, Rosie!!
    I hope you will feel better in a few days,
    kisses

  2. Wednesday January 30th, 2013 / 09:18 PM

    did you got it?? Just worried about you

  3. Wednesday January 30th, 2013 / 10:13 PM

    Yes I did!! I am tweeting you right now, sorry just read it a while ago, wasn't home all day.. THANK YOU!!

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