As you might have noticed, I haven’t been posting anything for the last 3 Weeks. I actually didn’t write anything for over 2 weeks, which is unusual for me.
The reason for it was that on the day that I wrote this post, when I came back from work in the evening, I found Cookie dead in our home. As you probably imagine, it was a horrendous shock for me, I was not expecting it at all. She was doing so much better, she was reaching out for me, cuddling way more, lying at me feet when I wrote or read or just had dinner. She was showing she wanted to be near me. The day she died, before I went to work, she was lying in front of the balcony door, playing with the sun rays. I picked her up and pet her and she closed her eyes and I swear she gave me a smile, the kind cats give when they’re happy. I was so happy when I left, thinking she really was getting better.
Apparently cats “feel” when they’re going to die. According to my Vet, they can feel it up to weeks before it happens. My Father also said the same thing, that he already had the feeling, from the things I told him she was doing (come nearer, wanting closeness with me, things she didn’t use to do as they weren’t part of her personality to begin with). It turns out, what I thought and interpreted as her getting better, was her showing me she loved me and thanked me for everything before she left.
When I found her I was just in shock…I remember seeing her lying there and instantly knowing…I got into the apartment, put my bag and coat down and went to the place where she was…and then I couldn’t touch her. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. That wasn’t my baby, my Cookie, my companion. That was just…a dead cat. I was very calm, I left the apartment (remembering to take my keys) and I just called my parents…and the moment my Dad picked up I just started crying hysterically. I didn’t know what to do..I didn’t know what you do in this situation. My Mum says she was surprised how much of a cool head I kept, enough to say I’d ask my neighbor for help…what she doesn’t know is that I was sitting in the middle of the street, crying hysterically while talking to her and my Dad on the phone. My neighbor was kind enough to take Cookie’s body away, he even told me not to go in the apartment while he did it, so I didn’t see it.
The days that followed I was a mess. For whatever reason I decided it would be a good idea to go to work (beat staying at home staring at the place where I found her), but I have to admit the two days that followed her death I was just a complete mess! I think I spent all of my breaks crying hysterically, calling my Mum and just trying to get a grip. I am fortunate enough to have good co-workers and even some friends at work. I tried my best to do my job right, but whenever I didn’t have a call, that image came to my mind again. The image of her lying there..the thought that she died alone and I should’ve been there with her and it was pretty hard to cope. Most of the time I managed to keep it down, keep it cool, but sometimes emotions got the best of me and I just had to step out and cry.
I couldn’t bear the thought of staying the whole weekend home alone, so I actually stayed at my friends M. and C. house. Heck they practically took me in, M made sure I ate and everything. I can’t even image how much of a mess I must have been!
The days that followed were hard…it always is. Cookie wasn’t just a cat, she was my companion. She came with me from Portugal and was practically the only “person” that I had here from home. Even though she wasn’t the cuddliest tiger in the world, she would sleep with me, she would come to me when I wasn’t ok. She loved me and showed it in her own way.
I talked to my Vet and she says it was probably a vein in her brain that popped and she probably didn’t even feel anything. She also said, after I said I should have been there, that Cookie would try to hold on as much as she could, not to die with me there. She is also the opinion that Cookie knew it was going to happen. After talking more with her, Sophie (the vet) told me that it seems Cookie already had some kind of brain issues from the beginning, even before the accident. She wasn’t the most balanced cat in the world (she would jump somewhere and almost fall over, and things like that), but she was the smartest cat I’ve ever known (she had a bad reaction to canned food when she was just a kitten and she never ever touched the stuff ever again! And after the fall, she never even tried to go to the open window that leads to the balcony) and in her own way she did show how much she loved me. I know it was frustrating for her as well, not being able to do things like before…peeing on the floor, even though she just couldn’t go to the litter box, I could see it was hard on her and she hated it. But she always waited as long as she could for me to get home so I could clean it up as soon as she did it.
|So thankful when I took her protection cone off..|
|One of the rare times she “smiled” in my arms, before we even moved to this place.|
Cookie was never a cuddly cat, she never purred like cats do, she never did what I wanted. She was very independent and very strong minded. She did what she wanted when she wanted. She was her own person. She fought so hard to survive when she was just a tiny little baby, her mother didn’t have any more milk and she came to live with me when she was just 4 weeks old.
I loved her above anything. I didn’t think it would be possible to love an animal this much, but it is. I cried for her more than I cried for any boyfriend in my life. She taught me to love, to put her first, to do anything for her. I tried everything I could when she was sick and I think she knew it. I think she knew how much I loved her and she will always be in my life, heart and mind. This last picture is even framed and hanging in my wall!
I love you Cookie! You will always be my baby!